Ben & Jerry's New Herd?
Ben & Jerry's makes an effort to meet PETA halfway
You may have missed this bit of news, but recently PETA sent a letter to Ben & Jerry's urging them to switch from their use of cows milk in their ice cream to human breast milk. The People for Ethical Treatment of Animals, think it would be healthier for both humans and cows to make the switch. At first Ben & Jerry's, were un-mooved. Then with publicity in mind they decided to test the public reaction. Many young men eagerly signed up to work as milkers in the new division even before the official decision to moove forward.
The front office decided to try just a couple flavors to start with. "We'll add more flavors as demand increases," said one office worker who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Now the new flavors need to be named and following Ben & Jerry's tradition of clever playful names they have toyed with Boob-o-licious, Nipple-politan, and Jug-nilla. But they may leave the naming up to a contest open to the public.
Enthusiastic Milkers get a hearty Breakfast before work
With the milkers already signed up, the next problem was to round up a new herd of lactating women willing to share what God gave them with the ice cream eating public.
"We don't pay the cows" said one company representative. Apparently, cows work for room and board, such as it is. Although the women would need to be milked twice a day, they could be allowed to go about their regular lives in between milkings. Without providing their feed and housing needs, Ben & Jerry's should be able to offer a couple of dollars per day to the herd members.
"Our main concern is that they stick to a pretty bland diet. No spicy food, no fish, no peanuts or alcohol of any kind. Any woman that has breast fed a baby can tell you, everything they eat effects the baby. The same would be true for the taste of the ice cream."
This announcement did hurt the turnout of new lactational candidates.
Of course, silicone enhanced models would be strictly against Ben & Jerry's all natural ideal.
Young milker pleased with new job
Many of the young men that applied for the milking jobs could not stop grinning. During training they applicants were instructed that they would be in charge of washing the breasts off first to avoid contamination. Then they should inspect the breasts carefully to make sure they were healthy. Many of the young men professed some amount of proficiency in this already.
Ben & Jerry's stated privately that they now have counselors standing by just in case. "everything was going pretty well until one of our young milkers found his next subject was his own mother. "This would never be a concern with our regular herd but we want to be prepared in any event."
Now that you have read this far, I hope you have figured out that this has not actually happened. Yet. But PETA did write the letter. But Ben & Jerry's, makers of some of the world's greatest ice cream, made from cows milk, has not made any move toward any of the things I suggested above. Please don't send Ben & Jerry's your ideas for naming their fictitious human breast milk flavors. If they do decide to do something along these lines I am sure they can think up something appropriate.
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